I’m not sure where the disconnect started, but when I was a small child, I longed for a stronger bond with my sister.

But I felt like she hated me. She was mean. I don’t remember the good times she speaks of, like her wetting the kitchen floor and us playing slip and slide. I don’t remember that. I’m sorry. As I told y’all, trauma affects cognition. We remember what we want and block out or suppress what hurts us.

Anyways, I guess I wish I had memories of the good times. But I do remember some. I’ll never forget how you used to make Rice Krispy treats from the cereal. First person to put me on to baked goods. That woman who pushed us out never baked a thing. Matter of fact, we made her cookies! Smh!

You always cooked for me. Brought me ice cream from the ice cream truck. Did my hair because why did she have us looking crazy? Elizabeth is only allowed to look like that in the house or at the pool, lol. You played dolls with me. We never had a dollhouse, but you provided me with a great sense of imagination. We made our own dollhouse by putting books together. You would play fake restaurant with me and take my food orders. I know she forced you, but you took me to the movies, taught me how to double Dutch.

You did your best to teach me how to fight. You’d say these girls are gonna try to embarrass you, they’re gonna strip you from your clothes and try and pull your weave out. You literally were like this is how it’s done. You tried to show me how to get in the ring if the time came. But I didn’t adapt to the defense mechanism you tried to teach me. I’m a person I realized who fights out of fear, to defend myself or my family, or if you’ve triggered me. I’m not like you. You with all the smoke. You’ve been pulling up for me since the beginning.

That’s why I needed MJ too. Y’all are similar in what I need from y’all in so many ways. That’s why I had to have two sisters. MJ fought for me physically, defended me because I had to fight in the home that I should’ve felt safe in. MJ was like my bodyguard. Just like you were. MJ tried to teach me how to fight too because she knew she wasn’t gonna be there to fight for me all the time. Even though, like you, she was with the function!

MJ made me square up with every one of the foster kids. She told me not to be scared. Eventually, I got good at defending myself. I would say through her I really learned fight or flight. Cause she lined their ass up. She made me go rounds with these bullies. MJ hated bullies. MJ play fought with me just like you used to. With the skills from both of y’all, God was able to equip me to defend myself when I am physically targeted.

Back to Sister. This memory stems from elementary. I believe I was attending Arroyo in Oakland. This is when my bullying days started. Some older girls were picking at me. You always instilled in me at a young age that if anyone ever messed with me to tell you. But I was always scared to for some reason.

Now I realize that fear was rooted in the lengths you’ve shown me you’ll go to protect me. Like a mama lion protecting her cub. You gave me that feeling from a very young age.

Anyways, these girls were messing with me. I told you. You came to the school the next day with your friends. When you approached these bullies with your friends backing you, I saw instantly how intimidated the bullies were. You talked with such power and force. You sparked fear. It was evident. You were just about to start beating ass when I stopped you. I felt bad for the bullies.

I got Stockholm syndrome, low-key, and it started with this moment as I write I realize that now. In a haste I said, “sister I lied, I made the whole thing up. They’re not bullying me.” You said, “are you sure” seeing through my lies. You always know when I’m lying to this day. Probably the only person I could say that about. I can persuade most people but not you. You’ve never been dumb. You’ve never been one to fall for the okie doke!

But you spared these bullies. But after you reminded me if anyone messed with me to tell you asap. Why were you like that? So protective? I’m just curious? I know you asked for a sister and you got me and everything. I know I was your baby. But answer me this, what is it about me that made you want to protect me? Did you see the God in me? Did you even know God at age 12? I’m just thinking. I digress.

🗣️100 bitches ‼️

Perhaps this will be my favorite childhood memory of you. I can replay the scene verbatim as if it happened yesterday.

I was a 6th grader, I believe, attending LMS in Alameda. It was a 12-block walk to school. On the walk, I started to run into some high school girls. Again, people see me and they see weakness. They want to target me. It never fails. Throughout my life it’s always someone trying to break my neck or step on my toes. But what these bullies don’t know is I got a sister who doesn’t play. She’s not messing around when it comes to me. I’m her little sister, she reminds me constantly to this day!

Back to the scene: these high school girls out of nowhere started slurring nasty remarks my way. They started shoving me off the sidewalk onto the street. Like every day it got worse. Looking back, I could’ve just changed the route I was walking but I didn’t. I’ll never forget that my sister and I were experiencing high tension during this very moment. I was an annoying pesky kid at times. But one thing about my sister is she always instilled in me that no matter what our home life is like, tell her if anything in the world happens to me. Where did you learn such motherly power, nurture, and care at the tender age of 12 is beyond me. One day I’m gonna do a case study on you. You already know what the research question will be. But we won’t spoil that part of my first book.

Sorry, so many thoughts race through my head when writing about you right now! Me and my tangents! Back to the scene again: I couldn’t take it anymore with the girls. I’ve always loved school. I even went to school sick I loved it that much. But these bullies made me not want to go. So I told you what was going on.

You were pissed I didn’t tell you sooner. The next day it was on. By yourself, and that’s another thing about you. You’ve always been popular and had many friends. But it was you who taught me how to stand on my own, my own 2 feet, all by myself. Even if you ain’t got your momma, you showed me that you have yourself and that’s enough!

So it was just you. I even said where’s x, y, and z friend. It was about 3 or 4 girls. And ever since that first time you got jumped, I had a fear of you getting jumped again. Looking back, I’ve been jumped three different times by groups of both girls and boys. It’s not that bad. Anyways, you said all I need is me.

Scared, even doubtful, we began the walk to LMS. Of course, we see the teenage girls. You so cold, my muthafuckin sister steps to the leader. I pointed her out to you. You approached the little bully, stepped to her, sized up her and the whole crew. All in one glance. You the coldest for real. I pray no one ever messes with Rose because they’ll be sorry!

You said, so matter of factly “my sister said you’ve been putting your hands on her?” The lead bully was stunned by your audacity, lack of fear, moxie, and gumption. I mean you were on all ten toes for real. The bully was stammering, couldn’t even get the words out! The lead bully looked at me with a look of mercy. But this time I didn’t spare these bullies. The lead bully replies to sister while looking at me and says, no she must be mistaken. You looked at me dead in my face, you always knew when I was lying, always. You said, “sister, are these the girls?” I shook my head up and down to indicate yes. Fear rendered me mute. The whole situation made me uncomfortable because I didn’t know how it would go. My fear was these three bullies could jump my sister.

Without ever losing confidence in this situation, you told them, “if you touch my sister ever again in your life. I’m gonna have a 100 bitches pull up to AHS because I know that’s where you go to school.” The fear that went through my own body when my sister spat these words at these bullies. AHS was the only nearby high school so that’s how sister knew that.

Do you know these girls were shaking with fear? They scurried away with the quickness, crossing the street and walking with a purpose on to their school.

Sister looks down at me and said, “You won’t have any more problems with them.” You continued, “see you at home.” I was scared that you weren’t going to continue the long walk with me to LMS. I said, “you’re not going to walk with me? What if they turn around and come back?” You said, “they not gonna do shit!” You were right!

Later on that week, I went to KFC, the lead bully girl was a cashier there unbeknownst to me. I walked inside the KFC, we locked eyes immediately, and she ran to the back, trembling in fear. I would go to that KFC often but I never saw her again. I believe she quit out of fear I was going to send sister in there.

When I needed you the most you were there. I couldn’t think when this happened. I felt so dumb. Like I got all these degrees and awards, yet how did I end up picking the worst person in the world to conceive with? I had been so smart I thought. I had waited until I was older and educated and established. Yet still I made the biggest mistake of my life.

But you were right there. I mean right there. First phone call, you had the bail money, got my car out of tow, put me up in a hotel, collaborated with others on how to get me out of Utah and into your arms.

Once I got out, I needed to isolate myself. It all had me so cognitively disoriented. I didn’t know who I could trust. That’s why I went off the grid like that.

When it was all said and done before the judge could slap down her gavel, you had your plane ticket to fly to me because you knew I couldn’t survive the freeway. You, unbeknownst to me, made a commitment to be the mediator and transporter. Sister, I can write with passion, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to truly account for how you saved my life. You saved Elizabeth’s life. You helped make it possible for me to mother my child.

I will forever, eternally be grateful for you. From the beginning I know I was a pain in the ass but I was always your pain in the ass. And look at where we ended up. Ain’t God amazing?

I’m going to buy you and Rose a house before I buy myself one! We’re just entering grace like we always dreamed, this time next year. And that’s on my motherfucking daughter.

I love you! Don’t you know? I’ll be your sister for life 🔐 from the womb to the tomb. Only way you can separate this bond is you’re gonna have to kill me. Cause for sister, it’s all-out war!

Don’t forget to follow my Instagram and comment on the videos I’ve created to accompany these stories. I’ve carefully selected music to match what’s happening, so pay attention. Through my book, I’m telling you a story and painting you a picture. With my Instagram, I’m bringing that story to life. My audio podcast read-alongs are coming soon to complete the experience!