At least someone cares, Rant

Sister has always been that someone, from the very start to today. She expects me to check in with her like a mother would with her small child. And I am her small child. I think that’s why God only allowed her to have one child because he knew that I needed her to be my mom too. That’s why he started you so young at age 6 with me, so he could mold you while you were young. And God did an amazing job.

Look at you now, my sister. Sister, you genuinely are what’s missing and needed in the healthcare industry. That’s why God called you at a young age to be my caregiver. And look at how you love to care for people now. You’re literally an in-home caregiver for elderly people with disorders. The strength you show despite how so many of those people talk to you is incredible. And yet you still care for them. Never scolding them for how they treat you, the very person responsible for giving them their meds, wiping their behinds, changing their diapers, and yet they disrespect you and then ask for help. I guess I do the same. Now that I reflect, yes, I definitely do. Forgive me. I don’t know, but I feel like I’m upset with you for some reason. The more I write, the more I discover feelings I thought I had long buried but really had been suppressing.

It’s true; I love you to the moon and back. I love you, “more than all the words, in all the books” (Janet Jackson), but yet I feel upset.

Let’s unpack this, shall we? I find myself reflecting a lot on how you’d always tell him, “I know my sister is a handful. If ever she gets too much, just call me and I’ll come get her. She can always stay with me.” You know me better than anyone. I am pretty yet difficult, caring yet bossy, high-maintenance yet worthy. I speak how I feel, literally! And that can be a lot for some people.

Anyways, you repeated that to him since you first met him till the end. I remember when you first met him on FaceTime. I said, “Interview him like you would if he was someone pursuing Rose.” You said, “I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to love you like I love Rose.” I wasn’t yet a mom when you said that. At the time, I was offended.

On FaceTime with him, you said, “Please don’t hurt my sister. She went through hell the last year and a half overcoming that car accident. I hope you’re only pursuing her with the best intentions.” You were referring to that last car accident. I told y’all about me flipping my car on the highway, the airbag nearly breaking my face, using my right hand to break through and crawl out the driver-side window, etc. Well, that was hard to overcome, but sister, you were right there. You’re like my own personal nurse. When I think about it, it makes me laugh. I can laugh now. It feels so good to laugh and not feel bad for feeling joy when I know Elizabeth is so sad every day she goes without me. Every day she wonders where I am, when I’m coming back. Studying trauma in children, I’ve read she may even think that she is doing something wrong while in my care. She may think I don’t love her and that’s why I’m not around. It’s so messed up—my baby girl is only 2 1/2 years old. She’s not old enough to conceptualize her feelings. She only says 30 words. That’s what hurts me the most. I hurt for her. Because while I’m in pain about this all, while my heart still hurts over this, I can write and talk, communicate my feelings and emotions. She cannot. She can only cry and express anger. That’s why she has those temper tantrums. She’s screaming out for help. She doesn’t know what the hell is happening. I’m with dad for 30 days, then mom for 14 days, but in actuality, she’s a toddler. She doesn’t know time! It’s so sad. God, please comfort my baby and fill her heart. Let her know that I long for her. I didn’t choose this for us. But I’ll let the world know our story, Lord. And I pray you send the help we need. In Jesus’ name, I pray this with my whole heart. Amen!

Anyways, sorry, I felt moved. Back to you. You’ve always been an angel to me. You’ve always side-eyed anyone who came along. Any new person had to be approved by you. I love you for always looking out for me. I’ll be your sister for life!

Back to the main point: Then, you know who came to my rescue; to get me. I told him the same thing, “I need you to love me like you love your daughter!” He told me something similar to you, “I can’t love anyone as much as I love my daughter.” I finally understand that type of love now. The love you have for a child you birthed or, as a father in the above-mentioned case, a child he helped to create. That love is unexplainable, but I’ll do my best.

The love I have for my daughter is unconditional, unquestioned, and unwavering. It’s full of freedom, attention, and all the support I didn’t get from our twat giver. It’s like she was the manual on “what not to do as a mother.” Real life!

Back to you, I guess I’ll have to write more and figure out all these arising emotions. That’s what comes with being a writer, a psychologist, and a trauma specialist: feelings. It’s okay to feel how you feel. See, the world tells us to keep a brave face and not show weakness. But it’s okay to feel sadness and weakness sometimes. It’s what we do with the sadness that matters. How do we rise above this? Turn our pain into purpose—that’s what it’s all about here. I’m no sob story, no victim, just a child walking in my purpose and speaking my truth along the way. Speaking what hurts me.

Sister, I am deeply hurt. My heart bleeds, literally. So much pain since the age of four is where the pain starts for me.

I don’t want you to interpret this negatively, though of course, you’ll draw your own conclusions and assertions. As you should! But I definitely love you. You are without a doubt my number one fan. My rock! My lifeline! Everything a mother is supposed to be. You’re not only my sister but the mother I always wanted yet God gave me anyway—as a sister. I’ll be back for part 3. More feelings and shit to say. It’s deeply rooted, but I’m gonna get this out!

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