Being African American in a Small White Privileged Town:

During my three days in jail, I went without a shower for two days because showers were only allowed after being in the holding cell for more than two days. In the cell I was in, only female staff could escort women to the showers; men couldn’t. The food served was worse than what I would have fed my first dog, let alone any human. That’s why I chose to starve myself while I was there. However, amidst the hardship, someone who worked there showed me kindness. Although I won’t reveal their identity, this person took a liking to me and provided me with bottled water—two bottles a day. I cherished each sip, savoring the water slowly to make it last longer. Anyone who knows me understands how much I value water, especially in the desert heat of Las Vegas, where staying hydrated is crucial.

I went into jail 115lbs I’ve always been this size since I was 21 and my baby fat wore off but left jail a light 90lbs my friend who came to get me. He arrived few hours after my release during which i spent in a hotel until he arrived. In the meantime, sister got my car from tow. I needed my car to drive home; it’s leased! My credit has suffered enough!

First, I showered then I went to Walmart to see what I could buy with $1.13; both bank accounts we had were emptied. Business money and all; gone! Turns out you can get two frozen burritos with $1.13. I went back to the hotel lobby and scarfed them down. I had some snacks left in my car from baby girl. I ate those too! Then an elderly black woman appears, atypical for this small white town. She started making tuna; it smelt good. Never afraid to ask for what I want or need. I asked, “can I have some of that tuna?” She said, “of course honey, you looking frail. I’ll make two sandwiches for you.” She continues “I have some snack and water in my room. I’ll go get them” My God ain’t he good to me!

When my friend arrived and witnessed me for the first time in years. Outside of social media and FaceTime. He said, “Damm, T look at you” with a displeased expression yet a compassionate tone of voice. I knew I didn’t look like myself. I didn’t even look at myself in the bathroom mirror after my shower. I couldn’t even fit my underwear which were an extra small. That’s how bad I looked and that’s how much stress can affect and even kill you! But that’s the whole design of the “justice system” is to rule over us, control us and make us inferior to them!

My friend confesses, “your face is all sunken in, lacking color which is crazy because you use to have such beautiful radiant skin”. He shook his head even more displeased with every glance at me. Not displeased with me but where I ended up. So out of comfort , he went to pick me up for a hug. He said, “your light as a feather! my baby heavier than you and she’s only three. He continues on, with a sympathetic yet angry tone. Again, not anger directed at me but the situation. He says, “Dam, he did a real one bad but that’s his loss. He fumbled the bag on a real African queen little does he know but I’ll never take advantage of you like. It’s up; you with me now! I’m gonna help you bounce back baby, then he played what became, “our song” Beyoncé and jay Z’s song on the run and we left Utah and never looked back.

Funny thing is, he ended up betraying me too. The grass ain’t always greener on the other side. That’s why today I’m skeptical when people say. “I love you” because I’ve been hurt too many times. That my heart has been ripped open, shredded, beaten, spat on, taped back up. And pieced back together to be destroyed continuously by people who say, “I love you. I got your back. I’ll always be here for you”

Now I know only god can be there for me!