Part II

“Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him(Job 13:15)”

God’s final invitation was unmistakable. I had prayed to go from glory to glory, specifically from stripping to booked speaking and author events. Be careful what you pray for. When will I learn? I felt strongly that God pushed me out of stripping by cutting off that source of income in June, making it clear. Stripping became an inconvenience, a depletion of financial revenue, and started to irritate me more than usual.

Fast forward to my prayer being answered. I literally went from stripping in the daytime to speaking in front of crowds who were interested in my story! That transition was hard to grasp because, although I didn’t want to go from the strip club back to the struggle, I also didn’t want to go from one overwhelming atmosphere to the next. This is why we need to be specific in what we pray to God. I didn’t pray for an improved state of mind while I achieved success. I only prayed to go from glory to glory; from stripping to speaking. 

Now, I wasn’t mad, but I was overwhelmed and in complete disbelief that God had been hearing me all along. Anyway, this sudden transition, although I was appreciative, made me anxious, and I felt like I didn’t deserve sleep. I felt I had slept on myself for too long.

Fast forward to my visit to California. The day after my arrival, the Lord sent what I believe was His final invitation. He had been chasing me down for too long. He depleted me of everything and everyone so that all I would have was Him—so that I’d know it’s Him, so that I’d only want to turn to Him.

God is all-knowing. He knows how to strip us down while still providing for us. He is omnipresent. God knows. At my sister’s front door, there was an invitation—literally! Angel and Ali came to get me. “Because God always sends someone. He never leaves you alone for long” (Sarah Jakes Roberts). They invited me to a Bible conference called “Journey to Joy.” I was immediately enthralled because I saw this as an opportunity to become a better speaker and share my story. I thought, “Cool! I can speak for this church.” But it wasn’t what I expected.

This was, as it was called, a Bible conference. But that part went over my head. I saw opportunity. Only this was an opportunity for me to grow closer to God. Each day of this 21-day journey, my life unraveled in ways I never thought possible. I learned that I had been idolizing people and things when I should’ve been idolizing God. On the last day of the journey, all hell broke loose. The devil worked hard to deter me from that last night. But after the devil did what he did, I knew what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go—church!

Unbeknownst to me, I needed everything to unfold on this day. It was the final push I needed to surrender to God. The pastor’s words were so clear to me that night. Paraphrasing some, there are no perfect churches, and there is no perfect people! This was what I needed to hear. Many religions, churches, false prophets, and hypocrites will have you believe you must be perfect to surrender to God. That is simply not true.

God is all-knowing. He knows us better than we know ourselves. He knows how we will respond. So even with all my dirt, God chose me. I told you in part one; God knows how to clean the dirt from you. A God cleanse.

That night, I made the decision to choose God. I said, “God, I gave you my daughter like you sacrificed your only son. What else do you want? I gave you stripping—that was harder because it was a vital source of income for me to even see Elizabeth with the custody demands unjustly placed. Why, God? I gave you the apartment and its possessions, except for my clothes and memorabilia. What else do you want from me?” I continued to cry out. And he whispered to me so sweet, “surrender.” All God wanted was for me to surrender and increase my faith.

So, today I stand ten toes down for God. I have accepted what I believe was His final invitation for me. Death had been knocking hard at my door in the events which led up to my baptism. So, when the pastor said, “Choose God because anything less is destruction, which leads to death.” I knew wholeheartedly this was God making a declaration on my life. For me, to submit my lie and to surrender to him. I had been playing with the devil and death too long. I hadn’t realized how much grace I received and didn’t deserve. Yet, God still gave me more grace and glory. Now, I finally see that. So, I chose surrendering. 

Surrendering doesn’t look the same for everybody. But surrender with the best of your intention, follow his Ten Commandments; when we slip because we all fall in this lifetime; some more than others. God will be right beside us to put us back into alignment.

I believe God has reserved me to be a modern-day Maya Angelou with my prolific ability to write, the power coupled with pain in my voice, and the physical actions I take to evoke change. I am literally the change I want to see in this world. I have a good heart; although recently, my heart was stressed into attacking itself. We have to stay close to God, and He will protect our hearts. He does exceedingly, above all that we could envision.

So, while part one started with me proclaiming that God gives us many chances, I want you to take my account and not ignore His grace. Run towards God, not away from Him. God is the doctor, lawyer, and the best professor we could ever have in this life.

I invite you to accept the invitation God has placed on your life. If you are reading this right now, it is not by chance. I don’t believe in coincidences, and neither does God. God is a matter of fact; He is the only thought. There is no “after” God. Once you realize this, accept this, and surrender, God will move in your life like “a mighty rushing wind.”

You’re okay to come to God right now, just as you are, because who you are isn’t even the real you. I told you readers in a different blog I struggle with the psychological “self.” Now I know it’s because God has been waiting for me to come to Him. “So He can show me who I really am. So He can show me what He really thinks of me.” I invite you to allow Him to do the same for you. “May the Lord bless you and keep you. The Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you. The Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace” (Numbers 6:24-26 NIV). I decree and declare this scripture on your life, reader. Allow it to take root and produce fruit. In Jesus’ name, Amen.